What is the ego?

Three ways to understand ego, not one

There isn't one right answer here — every practitioner, every person, uses the word "ego" a little differently at different times. So instead of pretending there's a single definition, here are three, each pointing at a different feature of being human. And a candid, not especially flattering example of each, from my own life.

Ego #1: the part that ranks you

This is the hierarchical positioning mind. It always wants to be better, and when you suggest it's not, it fights. Whenever the story you have about yourself gets challenged, it gets defensive — tries to stay top dog, sometimes by undermining other people so they stay under it. This is what people usually mean by "a big ego": thinking you're all that. But it flips just as easily — identifying as less than everyone else, which can look like being extra kind, complimenting everyone else, raising them up, while keeping yourself in the lower position.

My own example: it took me a long time to get a handle on this. I would constantly compare myself to other women, other energy healing practitioners, whatever I was trying to do at the time — subconsciously positioning who's better than who. In a room full of other women, especially really powerful, beautiful ones, I'd look for the flaws to feel better about myself, and then leave feeling inferior and bad about myself.

That feature of the ego is really biting into a poisoned apple — it feels good at first, boosting yourself up, but the more you compare, the bigger the flip side gets too.

Ego #2: the story you defend

The second layer: the ego as the collection of your identity, the story you tell about who you are. You defend that story because your world feels more stable when you know what you are. When your shadow — the parts of you not included in that story — makes itself known, you don't like it. You fight it, squirm, run from it. Healing work means including those parts, and the ego doesn't love that; it wants to stay stable.

My example: people always told me they felt "so not judged" around me — that was part of my identity, my motto was live and let live. But there came a point where that motto stopped serving me, or the people around me. It kept me from my own discernment — the judgment I needed for real boundaries and healthy relationships. Realizing I wasn't actually judgment-free, and having to voice those judgments kindly instead of harshly, was excruciating. My identity story fought tooth and nail to stay stable.

This is where an "ego death" comes from — the story dying, sometimes called the dark night of the soul, where nothing makes sense for a while. Then the ego rebuilds: a new, more resilient story forms, stabilizes for a time, and eventually dies again too. That's a normal, good feature of being on a spiritual path — it's how you keep including more of the full range of what it is to be human.

Ego #3: the part that runs your life on Earth

The third version is an expanded version of the second: the ego as the part of you built for a world where we're separate — where your body doesn't merge with someone else's, even if your energy might a little. It's the intelligence that navigates that: how to get from point A to point B, the whole map of how the physical world works. In this version there's a distinction between the ego's movements and the soul's movements — the soul wants you to express all that you are; the ego wants things controlled and clear, so it can move you through them.

My example here is less embarrassing than the first two. I've come to embrace that I have a strong ego. You don't make twenty-five Back to Basics videos without a strong navigational capacity for getting things done in the real world — and that's not a bad thing. It's a strong capacity to operate in this three-dimensional world. Someone more mystical might have less energy available for this kind of output; I'm a manifesting generator in human design, built for exactly this. I'm grateful for how strong that part of me is.

Keeping it in check

So here I am, in an energy healing video, positioning myself as something of a way shower, a wordsmith — and telling you I've got a big ego. I do. I try to keep the first two definitions in check, and let the third one do its job.