What is self-care?

Self-care is a word that's grown hugely in the last couple of years, and for good reason — when it's done well, it can be the most important investment you make in your day. There are really two things worth understanding here: why self-care matters so much, and how to do it without turning into a total dictator to yourself.

The machine metaphor

Think of yourself as a machine. When that machine has been washed and oiled and taken care of in all its intricacies, what is it able to do? When we're cared for, that's when we operate at our best — when our gifts emerge, when we're able to respond instead of react, when we're our wisest, most connected selves. This isn't about being perfect — we can let go of the idea that we always have to be our most wise, connected, perfect selves. But taking care of yourself is a profound way of showing yourself that you matter. Little things throughout the day that tell your whole system I matter, I'm important to myself, I care for me, I love me — that's what makes us so much more resilient for whatever challenges life inevitably throws at us.

It's so much more than baths and yoga

Self-care has also become synonymous with luxurious baths, meditation, and yoga. It's so much more than that. In its essential form, self-care is asking yourself, again and again and again, throughout the day: what do I need? What do I need? What do I need? When your needs are met is when you can be at your best — that's when you can give from a full cup. Sometimes the answer is yoga. Sometimes it's meditation, or a bath. But sometimes self-care is saying no to an event you don't want to go to. Sometimes it's letting your dishes pile up, letting your apartment get dirty and gross, because you need to rest. And other times it's cleaning everything up, letting it all be shiny and new — because that makes you feel shiny and new on the inside too. The only person who can really know if something is self-care is you, and you find out by asking the question, again and again.

When self-care becomes another bully

There are practices you don't want to do all the time, and I'm not knocking yoga, meditation, or baths — they're wonderful, and it's good to have some discipline with yourself. But when we lose the wisdom, the intention, in self-care, we can beat ourselves up with it — and turn something that's meant to be caring and healing into another bully. That's what we want to avoid. Build in flexibility. Allow yourself to be exactly where you're at, and to respond to where you're at. Sometimes you're overwhelmed and tired, and the answer is to go for the run you planned. Other times the answer is to cancel it. Telling the difference isn't easy — I don't think it ever fully is. Sometimes you need to do things you don't want to do, because it builds your strength. Other times you need to not do them, because that's the caring thing. There isn't a formula that tells you which is which in advance — you find out by staying honest with yourself about what's actually true right now.

Would you get in trouble with child services?

There was a time in my early twenties, already on this healing path, where a lot of my thinking around self-care was going well — but some of the more basic things weren't handled yet. I heard a question somewhere that drove it home for me: if you took care of a four-year-old the way you're taking care of yourself, would you get in trouble with child services? At the time, I was going to bed really late. I wasn't eating steady meals. I was demanding really long work hours of myself. I wasn't giving myself much play time. These are all needs a human being has — and we can get pretty strict with ourselves, even while we're technically taking care of ourselves. It's a good question to keep coming back to.

If you took care of a four-year-old the way you're taking care of yourself, would you get in trouble with child services?